It Should Be Me
by alaricnomad
Summary: S2. Elements of LP. Lucas reflects on losing Peyton, his heartbreak, and the pain of stepping aside to let Jake into her life. ONESHOT.


**It Should Be Me**

By Alaricnomad

A/N: Dedicated to **alwayslovingyou** for being the 100th reviewer on Sound of Her Voice. I _finally_ got around to finishing this. Also, the lyrics below are cut from the song "I'm Going to Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart: by the Eels, something suggested theme-wise by the same lovely reader. You should check it out if you want. I pretty much put it on repeat the entire time I wrote this. It's not my usual style, but it's got an interesting sound.

_I'm gonna tell you what you need to hear  
And I'm a little too late  
By three or four years  
And it may not make much sense  
Now that we are apart  
But I'm going to stop pretending  
That I didn't break your heart_

--

"_I think there's something in your heart you're running from…You know there's a girl you have feelings for…until you tell this girl how you feel, your heart gonna be flawed."_

Nathan's words resounded through his head, like a broken record he just couldn't get to stop. It echoed with another word, repeating itself over and over like a mantra.

Peyton. Peyton.

_**Peyton.**_

There was so much he didn't deserve now, and Peyton definitely topped the list. But his heart didn't want to listen to reason. Since the moment he lost her, there was a hole there he hadn't been able to fill, an ache for her that just wouldn't go away. He tried to fight the feelings, tried to bury them, tried to hide them, knowing he wasn't near good enough after all the hurt he had caused her…but if his little brother could see it, he wondered who else could. For all his efforts, he was apparently all the more transparent. He used to wear his heart on his sleeve…perhaps everything hadn't changed about him after all.

Brooke…the thought passed through his mind as he slowed to a stop in his mindless walking. The other girl had been another regretful casualty in his previous screw-ups, but they had been getting along well enough lately, been talking; he thought they were giving the friendship thing a pretty good shot. He might not have the right to ask, but she was Peyton's best friend. Perhaps she could give him some insight on how to approach the one who kept his heart afflicted.

It didn't exactly work out as he had planned.

Brooke with Felix was an unwelcome sight. One, he didn't exactly like the guy, two, it definitely meant Brooke wasn't free to talk to him…three, it made him strangely jealous. Not of them being together, but of the idea of their relationship. They were free to be open with their affections while he was afraid to even talk to the girl he was so insanely in love with.

Looks like he'd have to handle this on his own.

--

"_Hey, I missed you at lunch." He walked hesitantly into her room, hands in his pockets in his universal sign of being nervous or uncomfortable. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."_

_She looked down at the floor, gave him an indifferent shrug, but when her eyes briefly flicked up to his, he could see the vulnerability and pain he'd always been able to read in her. "Been better," was her mumbled reply. She shook her head, clearly holding back tears. _

_She looked so worn-down, so sad, that all he really wanted to do was hold her. "Hey, come here."_

_He wrapped his arms around her and she leaned into his embrace; he found himself aching for more, sad that the hug didn't feel the same, knowing she wasn't as comfortable so close to him as before. He awkwardly rubbed her back, hoping she took some comfort being in his arms. _

"_Sit down," he gently requested, breaking the strange embrace, and they seated themselves together on the edge of her bed. _

"_So do you know who wrote it, on your locker?"_

_She shook her head, "No….I don't even want to know. I just want it all to go away." She threw her hands out as if it could banish away her demons. "Just, all of it."_

_How he wished he could do just that for her. _

_He glanced to his other side, catching sight of the drawing resting nearby. He slowly picked it up, the depiction of Jake and baby Jenny. He quietly studied it, inwardly sighing at knowing it was another man on her mind. "You miss Jake, huh?"_

_She looked at him, with an almost betrayed expression, and he watched her defenses raising up as she stood, putting distance between them. "You should go."_

_Those were the last words he wanted to hear. "Peyton." Her name was as much a plea as it was a protest. _

"_Okay, you can't just come in here and ask me something like that. When was the last time we even had a conversation about something real?"_

_Another arrow from his heart. "I just thought you could use a friend," he answered weakly. _

"_Yeah, I could use a friend, you know. But you don't qualify as that anymore, Lucas. Because a real friend would know about all the crap I've been dealing with lately." _

_She had a point. He had been so focused on wallowing in his own guilt and self-pity, pushing himself into distractions like Anna and basketball that he completely sidetracked himself from the people that mattered first. Especially her. Still, he pushed the issue. "Like what?"_

_She looked at him for a moment and he could see the struggle in her eyes, the want to give in to the familiarity of him, the resolve not to let him get to close again. He knew which one had won out, even before she spoke. "Just go, please."_

_Ladies and gentlemen, watch his already delicate heart completely shatter. _

_He swallowed his heavier emotions, his expression sad but tender as he moved to obey her request. "Okay, I'll go." He felt her eyes on him as he started to walk out, but he paused in the doorway, determined to still let her know that despite all his mistakes, all his screw-ups, she was still in his heart- what was left of it, anyway. "Whatever you think, I really do care about you, Peyton."_

_And he left. _

--

"_It's not about what you say, Luke. It's about what you do."_

She had been absolutely right, and he should have listened sooner. He wanted to make changes, find the person he was before all the hellish drama started, before he started hiding his heart instead of following it. Before he became a shadow of himself- letting fear and uncertainty and shallow replacements take the place of what he truly felt inside. He never should have run, even if he had returned just as quickly. When he came back, the damage was already done. There was no way to bridge that distance between them now. Not any time soon, if ever.

He hadn't deserved her forgiveness at all, but it knew he needed it badly. There was a constant, deep ache in his heart that had nothing to do with his HCM, knowing she was just beyond his reach.

He wanted to be the one to be there for her, to be the shoulder she could lean on, to be the support she needed, but he knew that wasn't his place anymore.

He remembered the drawing on her bedside table. It hurt, but he made the call.

--

_He watched the way they exchanged glances when Jake announced they were back for good, and was ashamed of himself for the way jealousy spiked up inside him, even worse than how he had felt when Peyton told him about the little road trip they were going on. It was hypocritical, after all, since he had been the one to call the teenage father, but it was still a feeling he couldn't seem to dismiss. He shrugged the feeling off, halfheartedly teasing his old friend, taking the opportunity as Brooke dragged Jake away with babble about her campaign to sidle up to Peyton's side. _

_He shoved his hands in his pockets, glancing at her with his head cocked in a sort of shy, sort of admiring way. "You good?"_

"_Yes," was her answer, and her voice was so affirmed, so positive in her reply, that it both pained and relaxed him to see the way she practically glowed with happiness. "Thank you for calling him." She leaned into his side, wrapping an arm around him in a half-hug. Her head rested against his shoulder, the smell of her hair drifting up to him as her curls briefly tickled his nose, and he smiled softly as he savored the press of her body against his side. These days, he really took what he could get. _

"_You're a good friend, Luke."_

_He watched her go after giving him one last smile and his face fell into a torn expression as he inwardly sighed. _

_A friend. That's all he was now. _

--

She would smile at him occasionally, and sometimes they would talk. Their conversations were mostly light and not very deep, but sometimes, one of those rare, special occasions, that old connection would flare up, and they would open to each other like they used to. Those moments were the most precious to him, memories to store away for those days when it was hardest to live without her company.

When she looked at him now, there wasn't betrayal or anger in her eyes anymore. It was progress, but there was still distance, still walls put up to keep him out, but he couldn't blame her for it. Most of all, he treasured the friendly warmth in her eyes when she looked at him. She hadn't completely forgiven him, but slowly…slowly, he was earning her trust again. It wasn't her heart, but what little she gave him, he was greedily eager to accept.

He didn't begrudge her happiness, he didn't despise Jake. He knew his jealousy was petty; he wouldn't let it show, he would let it grow out of control…he just wanted to be the one making her so happy.

So he closed his eyes, swallowed his pride, his tears, and silently wished her happiness again.


End file.
